Don't know how to feel.....

So on Monday we met with the team and determined how the "change over" would happen. We had a therapy appointment with him on Tuesday and decided to tell him there, and people would be in place to take him to his next placement. Our therapist predicted that he would not have a negitive reaction, and in fact would act like he did not care about the news, and she really nailed that one the head.
I can't tell you what was going through my mind because there was so much, scared, sad, depressed.... pretty much Mom took the lead and explained that we cannot be the parents he needs and that there were many people in his life to help him find the parents that will help him be the best he can be. He had very little reaction other than to clarify what we were telling him, and act like he did not care. His only real comment was to look in the mirror at himself and say "oh, I am handsome, except for these freckles... they are ugly". He then asked if he could go and went down the hallway saying "hey, did you guys hear? I can't live with C and C anymore".... we then had the therapist come out to our car and take the couple of bags we had packed for him, with about a weeks worth of clothing and a few comfort items. The rest of his stuff will be packed and transferred at a time to be determined.
Mom and I talked later about the freckle comment... that we read it as a dig on me, since he and I had a thing about freckles, and when I would give him kisses it was me giving him more freckles...
We spent the rest of the night drinking... certainly helped me sleep, but gave me a wicked headache all day yesterday. We both took yesterday off of work, we had scheduled that anyway for a training, and thought it was ideal to still take it and just "be". We took a day trip and ate dinner out, but ultimately had a hell of an argument when Mom asked me if I was "sensitive"... she did not like hearing that I felt like I would be for a while, and when she said that I "needed to be someone she could live with" I basically flew off the handle and told her that I could not guarantee how I would be. And I can't! I don't want to worry about "being a tolorable person" right now.... I just want to know how to get myself through each hour... especially since very few people in my life know.... and I feel like I am walking through a mine field... I don't know when to expect an explosion, and am carefully navigating each word and step, for fear that someone might catch me off guard with a comment I can't handle. Already dodged one this morning when a coworker acknowledged how crazy things have been at my house lately with little man.... a nod and a change of subject helped there, but it won't always.....
So my sister told me I should keep blogging even though I am in this bad space, and now you have all been exposed to a lot of my shit.... I appologize for that, but you can blame her... that is for you Lu! ;)
So, any idea how to change the title of a blog? Seems wrong to keep this title and keep blogging... maybe I don't keep blogging.... who knows?

I guess every well runs dry.... eventually....

So mom and I had a couple of very interesting meetings this week. Basically we were very clear with our team that we were teetering on the edge, and that our last hope was this possible resource of the "in home support person". It was made clear then that if that did come through, it would only be for a very short period of time. The next day I got a message from our agency that we could not have a few of the other resources that had been discussed, because we currently are using so many resources. That afternoon we had a meeting where it basically was talked about that we might not be the family that can meet all of little man's needs. While this sort of felt like a blow, it also felt very true. Frankly, the "well" of resources from our agency are tapped, and if we can't make it work with all of this, something else needs to happen because we can't meet his needs.

The next day (yesterday) we met with our family therapist, and while nothing is set in stone as of yet, we more-or-less made the decision to move forward on a plan to remove him from our home. My guess is we will meet with the team on Monday, and by the end of the week the plan will be in place, and he may even be removed by then.

First and foremost, this was my worst nightmare. I never wanted to even bring a child in who I was not positive would be there forever. I guess we can't predict the future.

I also thought that if we ever made this decision we would feel completely confident in the decision, and what sucks is we are still both so confused. I am much more sad than mom I think, but she has really already accepted that this was coming. We kind of had to agree to no longer question it, because it is not only our choice, it is the choice of a lot of people who think he needs more than we can give, and because we will drive ourselves crazy if we keep "what if-ing" everything.

One thing is clear, we will never work towards permanency again with any child. We plan to request that we remain members of little man's life in whatever ways are deemed appropriate, but who knows what that will look like.

The worst part for me in this is that thought of having to tell him. It will happen in therapy, so we will have support, but I can't even think about that right now... it seems so awful.

I think this will always be for me my greatest failure.

Hope? Where are you?

I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like I am at the bottom right now. Between Mom and I, it was always me that at least held out hope that things would get better. The past several days I have totally lost that. I don't know where it went, but I am just sitting at the bottom of what feels like a pit without any hope.
Maybe it is because this is a long weekend.... I used to look forward to having the day off work, now I dread it. I dread it because I know that it will mean juggling emotions, constantly correcting, and probably having to manage an escalation. It totally sucks that I would rather be at work than at home with my family.
It sucks that I LIVE for respite weekends.... the only good thing about a non-respite weekend is that the next weekend IS a respite weekend. Where is my hope?
I can't even say that anything NEW or WORSE has happened in the last several days to make it go away, it just did.... is it that there is only so much and it dried up? Is it not a renewable resource? Is it me and not little man? I think it is possible that I am experiencing a depression that I have not in a while (sadly, not new to depression, but have managed it well for a long time now).
Every little thing is a fight. Currently we are fighting (by currently I mean as I write this) about what is and what is not his routine. Earlier we fought over whether Look-it was one word or two... everything is a fight... everything.... there was a time when I thought I was prepared for this, thought I could handle it, for some reason i don't feel that way anymore.
On the other hand I feel like if we can't make it work with little man we have contributed to the ruining of his life. How do we do that? I have never felt more like I was between a rock and a hard place than I do now. I feel like there is no way to turn.
We are still waiting to see if funding for the "in home family consultant" will go through, we should know more tomorrow.... I have to tell you, I think if it does not come through we might have to seriously consider other options for little man, because we are trying everything we have and it is not working.
Miserable. That is how I feel right now. Miserable and hopeless....

Testing....

I find it tough to blog on days like today, where the week has not been extreme at all, neither bad, nor good. Little man went to respite last weekend, which was a MUCH needed rest for Mom and I, and generally after that I am pretty set to go for another few rounds. He has been testing every single limit that he can though, more so with Mom than with me. He has gotten to where he sets up situations that he thinks will bug her, such as jumping around the kitchen while she is getting breakfast together, fists clenched, stating things like "you want to mess with me do ya? You want to mess with me?". Acting like a big tough boy is a definite coping mechanism for him. Generally mom just ignores it, but usually has to vent afterwards.
This morning I said something to him (can't remember what, it was insignificant) and his response was "you just be quiet".... now, in the household I grew up in that type of response would land you a backhand across various body parts, but I chose to go with "excuse me? that is not a respectful way to speak to me". He then went on to "lecture" me on how if I don't respect him then he won't respect me... etc. Of course I asked how he felt disrespected by my, and the answer was because I tell him to do stuff.... *sigh*.....

So I met with our family therapist alone last week (mom got held up at work) and she talked with me about an idea that a group of them have come up with. Basically it would involve our agency employing a full time staff member (PhD level, no less) to be our "in home support counselor". This would be a person that would literally, for a while at least, be in our home whenever little man is there and awake, coaching us on the ins and outs of working with him. He would help us with responses, help little man understand things that are tough, etc. Fortunately the person they are thinking of we know, he was an intern in our family therapy for a while, and Mom really likes him (I do too, but she REALLY connected with him). I can't help but think how weird the whole thing will be, but I also know we have to give every possible resource a shot. The most fascinating thing to me though, is that this has NEVER been done in Vermont as far as anyone knows, and can only happen because our agency has access to the necessary resources. It also points out to me not only the severity of our case, but the investment of folks around us to make it work.... that makes me feel good overall. I wonder what the Super Nanny would say if she were to come live with us for a while?
So here's to possibilities, and trying every possible option....

Tough Momma

So growing up my family was never one to really make a big deal out of injurys. I mean, I have two sisters and between the three of us very little happened as far as injury, but none-the-less a skinned knee or sprained wrist got no more then the minimal amount of attention. Even on days we were sick the general rule was "go to school, if you are that sick they will send you home".... because of this as an adult I have never been one to dwell on injurys, pains, illnesses, etc. My wife, however.... the opposite. She needs significant attention paid to every boo-boo, and heaven help if she is sick.... you basically are best to just say far, far away.

Anyway, this relates to my blog becuase parenting little man has not only challenged my patience and nerves, but I have also sustained more injuries in the 6 months he has been with us then my entire adult life. The past month, when we have had to start restraining him when he is out of control is really where these have happened. The significant scratches, pinches and bruises to my arms and legs have been, while annoying, pretty easy for me to overlook. I have an extremely high tolarance for pain and I don't believe that while he is being restrained he is in enough control of his body to understand what he is doing. Also, these things have been either small enough to not notice or easy to hide, so I had very little need to share this type of thing with people in my everyday life.... until this weekend that is.....

Following a new restraint position that I quickly realized did not work when I got a severe head-butt to my upper cheek I noticed something out of my left eye.... I asked Mom, "is there something on my face?" (mind you, all the while holding little man down and waiting for the police to arrive). Her face turned white and she said "oh my god little man, you have done it now! Momma has a big black eye!". Soon the police arrived and after refusing the need to be "checked out" by medical folks, I just waited for the swelling to stop and the bruising to begin.... and begin it did! I currently and sporting quite a shiner, and even two days later cannot cover it up with make-up. You can imagine that my business is now pretty out there, because when you are wearing something like this on your face, people ask questions....

Ultimately the black eye is not really that big of a deal to me.... but what I have noticed more than ever before is how big a deal it is to everyone else. This has made me realize that it really is pretty screwed up to be getting these types of injuries on a regular basis, whether it is on my leg or on my face. I feel like I am starting to lose hope, and that loss is coming with recognizing this is not something I can keep to myself, it is not a bruise I can cover up and hide (although I did consider Paris Hilton sunglasses and/or a veil, both of which I figured would get more attention than the actual eye).

Mom appears to me to be totally done. I am afraid she is hanging on because of me, and the fact that I am not done. I have also been amazed at how hard it is for her to see my face like this... I mean, while it is my face I don't really look at myself that often (contrary to popular demand ;) ).
Anyway, I am feeling much less hope today. Of course, the benefit of taking things one day at a time is that tomorrow might be different, if we can make it till then......

knock on wood

So in thinking about what I want to write about today, it is a little challenging because I am not feeling any major trauma at the moment! Yeah for that! Knock on wood! We had a fairly rough weekend, but most of that was to be expected and since Monday (when school was back in session from the week break) we have been having a very smooth time... I really believe that the smallest change can really send little man reeling.... and school provides a good amount of predictable structure....

I thought I would take my sister's idea and post some things about little man that make me smile.... or laugh.... so here goes.....

His hands.... I swear his hands are like meatballs with vienna sausages as fingers.... seriously... picture a meatball with 5 vienna sausages sticking out and those are his hands.... really makes me laugh....

He has started making fun of the way we walk, which is ridiculous if you know Mom and I, cause we are COMPLETELY different, but we recently learned it is not OUR walk, but a "girls" walk he is making fun of... basically it involves him walking and swinging his hips, which is only topped in hilarity when he puts his meatball hands on his hips when he does it.....

He talks in his sleep.... like, a lot.... we will hear him just babbling on in there to whoever, whatever..... he also moves a good bit.... I have witnessed him many times reach out for something in front of him in his sleep, and the meatball will just hang out in the air for a while until it gradually works its way back down to the bed....

He is a good eater, and pretty much eats and likes anything we make (assuming he is not just generally grumpy that day). I ask him "how is it?" and usually becuase his mouth is very full I just get a little vienna sausage thumbs up. He helped me make jam last weekend (raspberry mango) and now he is obsessed with it. Who knew that a few spoonfuls of jam and some ritz crackers made a great dessert? He did!

He says "lookit" ALL the time... like 400 times a day.... "mom lookit", "lookit at this", "lookit momma".... really it makes me a little crazy but it is kind of funny.... especially annoying and funny when we are in the car and he keeps saying "lookit" and I am driving and he is in the back seat!

He has some funny and strange things he has said, for example last weekend I noticed he had some bug bites on his arm. I said "wow, you have some bugbites", and he said "they are not bugbites". I said "okay, wow, you have some bumps" and he said "they are not bumps". I said "well, what are they?" and he said "it is a disease, it is called allergies"..... thats a head-scratcher if I ever heard one.....

So, for today only good things... I will have to take notes on other funny things he says and does... cause really he is a special little guy, he just makes us crazy sometimes....

As always, one day at a time!

Our rope has an end... and we are hanging on to it!

So we have had two "major" incidents in the past week. Both incidents involved distruction or the attempt to distruct property, and in both cases I ended up holding little man down until the police arrived. The fact is that little man is so completely disregulated that he cannot control himself when he is angry, etc. The second incident resulted in us having our agency get us respite early (he was going to go the next day anyway, but we needed him gone that night).

The fact that he was being sent to "emergency respite" was really unsettling for him. This has only happened one time before, and that time he left the day after the incident. He was clearly aware this time that he was leaving because Mom and I were in a bad place. He has even called twice since he has been gone, and it is obvious he is stressed about his place in our family.

We are not giving up yet... we made the decision, after a long conversation, and frankly after quite a fight between us that we would get back on the parenting wagon for another round with little man.... my hope is that this round will be kinder and gentler, because we are both pretty beat up....

Mom and I also had to really face the fact that this was not only hard on us as parents and people, but hard on us as a couple. We want so badly not give up on him, but at what point do you put every part of the family in jeopardy? We are both very confused, and pretty depressed this week....

One thing we agreed on pretty easily is that we are both seriously triggered by needless distruction, and we both value our home and belongings (Mom's car got the side mirror almost kicked off during one episode) and just can't sign on for an endless series of distruction.

Anyway, thanks for listening... it totally, totally sucks right now, but again, just one day at a time, and today he is at respite, so that is nice.....

So clearly I am not the best at consistency when it comes to blogging, but in my defense I am new to this...

When I was thinking about what I wanted to write about today so many things came to mind, and they were all very disjointed. I could walk you through our last week and a half, which, for the most part (barring one needed visit from the SBPD) has been quite good, but I think I want to focus on a conference Mom and I went to last weekend.... so here goes....

Here in VT they have an association called The Vermont Foster and Adoptive Families Association (VFAFA) and every year they hold a conference right in Burlington. Our agency pays for us to go, so we decided to take full advantage and registered for the whole 2 days. The first day (Friday) was an all day institute by a guy named Ross Greene.... he has written many books such as The Explosive Child, etc. He really focuses on identifying the actual problem, not behavior and addressing it in a collaborative way with your child. Mom and I were both pretty glad to see that generally we were on the right track, but were still able to learn more about what might work better for Little Man. We also got to see many other families from our agency, which is just always a nice thing since we all seem to "get each other" so well.

The second day is really where I found the most interesting things, however. First and foremost, it is important to know our visit from the SBPD happened on Friday night, so Saturday morning's session was right off the tail of that, and both Mom and I were feeling pretty sensitive still. The keynote speaker was Michael Trout, who has done a great deal of work with infants, and how getting, or not getting one's needs met as an infant can dramatically effect the rest of your life. Of course we found this all very interesting, since it is no secret that Little Man did not get his needs met as an infant, and we did find nuggets that we thought would be helpful.

Trout also does a lot of work from the perspective of the foster parent. There was a point where he said we were going to talk about meditation. Now, coming from a strict christian family, things like meditation were never talked about, much less encouraged, so when he said this I thought "oh great, what am I going to do with this?". He then proceeded to play an audio tape of a woman talking about her foster child. Almost immediately I found myself very moved... and before I knew it tears were running down my cheeks.... (for those of you who know me, I work very hard to avoid this type of reaction at all cost!). The voice said things like "for just this moment I am going to look past the pain in my child's eyes, and see what was there before the hurt and the pain and the abuse". It talked about how much they make us angry, how much we want to give up, we need to remember that the way they are is not their fault. It is the fault of people who were supposed to care for them, who were supposed to protect them, and love them. The fact that we are picking up the pieces of our children's lives is not a curse on us, but a responsibility, because our children cannot do it for themselves. I found my reaction embarrassing, but I also knew it was coming from a very raw and honest place. Maybe meditation is not such a bad thing, huh?

Later in the day we went to a session that was essentially a round table discussion among LGBT identified parents. It is always great to sit in a room and discuss things that you feel everyone can't understand in the same way. There were many families who had experienced the pain of losing a foster child to a reunification that they believed was not healthy, and some speculation that the courts chose to reunify rather than allow a lesbian or gay family to adopt the child. Heartbreaking. That is one thing we are fortunate not to have to deal with with Little Man, he was TPRed (Termination of Parental Rights) long before we met him.... not always the case.

One family though had a particularly interesting and horrifying story. This lesbian couple, about 2 years ago took in 5 siblings (God Bless Them!).... triplet girls, and a younger boy and an older child. The older child had to be re-placed about 2 weeks in, becuase he/she needed much more help then could be given at the time. But what was most sad about the story was what the kids had been put through before being taken from their family. They had often been locked into crates with the family dogs, for days at a time. The dogs had fed them, watered them, and cleaned them. The children were described as "ferrell" children upon coming to their foster family. They did not know how to interact as humans. The women spoke about how when the doorbell would ring, all 5 children would start running around and barking. This also happened when the clock struck Noon AND Midnight. Despite this the court will not terminate their parents rights, but fortunately have determined that they should remain in the foster system rather than being reunified. Absolutely crazy......

So as I conclude this I remind myself to look past the ugly words that Little Man sometimes uses, or the hateful look in his eyes when he is mad, and remember that he is a work in progress, and that work may be long. Fortunately we have great support systems...

Cops are our friends...

So my sister has been reading this blog and she was anxious for me to post again, and sent me an email suggesting that I post about "5 things we did this weekend".... I wrote back saying "what about the 5 police officers that came to our house when we called 911 this weekend"? As you can imagine that alone did not satisfy her curiosity.
Well to be honest, the question back to her was not actually what happened... we actually only had 3 police officers show up... must have been a busy night in SB Vermont.... ;)
I feel like I should back up for reference sake....
So basically when you have a 9 year old, 110 lb child you can't always control everything they do... you also can't just pick them up and hold them to keep them from being distructive if they want to be..... however, trained police officers can.... and in the case of little man, they have!
The first time we had a visit from the guys and gals in blue was before Christmas, and before we had all of our services in place that help with his support. However, even with all of those services in place sometimes he just won't listen to anyone who is not sporting a badge.... if anyone out there knows where I can purchase one of these that would be helpful.....
Anyway, so I quickly learned several lessons once we started calling the police:

- Little man listens to them.... most of the time.... and when he doesn't they make him.....
- Police can get to your house really quickly... nice to know....
- When you have a child that police struggle with, the next time you call they show up in droves, like 7 cars at once outside our house....
- They all talk to each other and all know the trouble kids in town.... When we said his name this weekend 3 officers in unison said "ooohhhhh....".... kind of amusing....
- When you live in a neighborhood EVERYONE knows when the cops are at your house.... and often want to know why... but they won't ask you directly....
- Police are really good with kids... difusing them and even entertaining them when appropriate.... they are not always so good and providing helpful advice to parents though... I mean, when you are sitting on your couch crying, do I really need a cop telling me that "sometimes kids just need attention?".... lucky I did not own my own gun at that moment.....

So, yeah, this weekend he escalated really quickly and tried to turn over a large piece of furniture, kicked me several times, threw things at both Mom and I and actually ran out of the house and was gone for several minutes (he never goes far when it is dark outside... sort of the benefit of him being afraid of everything I guess). So while we had our on-site services on the way they police also came because they could get there so quickly. Frankly, compared to how it could have gone it was pretty anticlamactic.... He calmed down pretty quickly once they showed up and we just waited for on-site. The funniest part was when an officer sat down in a chair and our dog climbed right up into his lap and layed down.... clearly she knows cops are our friends too....

One observation about myself that I have found very interesting over the past several months is just how "normal" this life seems now... I mean, the first time we called the cops I was mortified that one car was in front of our house.... now there can be many and it won't even affect the rest of my day..... "oh yeah, had Cheerios, a visit from the cops, and a nice drive into work this morning...".... They say in the south we hide our skeletons well, and the fact is that our family issues are out on our front lawn regularly.... I don't know if the neighbors think we are nuts or know we are doing the best we can.... I guess I can't worry to much about that piece.....

We did have a funny moment once though.... We had the cops come one morning and it was a particularly bad visit where Little man actually ended up being handcuffed, carried to the cruiser and taken down to the station. Did I mention our driveway in the school bus stop? Yeah, not pretty.... about 10 kids in our driveway, 4 feet of snow on the ground, and a screaming 9 year old being carried in his PJs out the front door.... If I can make it through that embarrassment I can make it through anything.... anyway, when Mom came home from the station (she went down, I had to get to work) one of our neighbors who has never actually spoken a word to us was using his snowblower to plow our driveway.... I guess sympathy comes in many ways, and we really appreciated it....

So that was how my weekend ended.... cops and craziness... but strangly a rather normal weekend.... the biggest bummer?: When the local police make their annual calls to raise money for their program, how can I possibly make up an excuse not to give them money? I could go broke! So, thank your local police officers, they deal with more crap then I have ever thought possible....

Interesting Morning

A major problem in our house lately is that little man hates to brush his teeth.... or just needs to control the situation around brushing his teeth.... either way it generally makes for very rough mornings in our house. We can have a decent start of the day and a blow up will occur around this task. The consequence of not brushing teeth is that he does not get to have dessert after dinner.... we feel a natural consequence of not taking care of one's teeth. Sometimes the mornings are just rough though, even if the teeth part goes okay, and frankly this has been pushing us to our absolute limit. Not only is there screaming and crying when meltdowns occur, but generally it means we have to call for on-site support which can take a while, and even with help getting him through the tantrum and out the door to school often means one or both of us is late to work. You can see why we were beginning to feel dread around mornings.
So in an effort to create more peaceful mornings in our house, we created a system for little man where he can earn magnets for each day that he accomplishes goals. The goals are to make his bed, brush his teeth and to get to school on time. The magnets spell out his name (5 letters) and when he gets all of his letters he gets a very special dessert (he, like me, is very into his sweets). We also explained that we were no longer going to fight with him about accomplishing these tasks, and if he chose not to do any of them then he knew the consequences (not getting dessert that night and not getting his magnet for the day). All week he has really been into it and every night before bed we add his letter to his chart. Last night we talked about how he only had 2 more to earn, and we discussed how great that dessert was going to be.
Well, this morning when I asked him if he was going to brush his teeth he said very calmly "no, I don't care if I don't get dessert tonight".... I said, "well don't you want to get your magnet" and he went into the bathroom where Mom was. I thought he was going to do it.... he came back and said, again very calmly "I am not going to do it today... I will try again tomorrow". I responded with "Okay, we will try again tomorrow".
What was so interesting to me is that he continued to have a good morning and went right off to school with no problem. What I found even more interesting was that the more I thought about it after he left, the more angry I became. So, in my very need-to-process-everything-to-death mind I started asking myself why I was angry. I mean, didn't we accomplish OUR goal of getting him out the door without a fight and us to work on time? Why do I care if he does not earn his dessert or his magnet? I concluded that I was mad because I truley like to control everything... and I had to let that go this morning, and let him control his own choice. Could I have started a fight? Absolutely! But the agreement was that he could make that choice and either reap the benefits or deal with the consequences.... so I guess there is a piece of control I just have to let go of.....
The other thought that came to me what the very clear presense this morning of his attachment disorder.... the kid does not attach to things, and the fact that he could be so excited about something last night and be so disconnected from it this morning really speaks to that. I know this is a very natural feeling for him, and that also speaks to the fact that this did not cause any escalation with him.... he truely did not care.... if he did we would have had a conflict.
So, overall I would say this was a good morning... even though he did not accomplish his goals.... which feels strange then to think it was good.... but at least we had no conflict. Soon he will be in our therapy sessions with us (right now it is just Mom and I (Momma) in the sessions to get us ready to work as a whole family) to start working on the attachment issues and maybe I will start to understand more. For now I will just appreciate a conflict-free morning, and start to accept the fact that motherhood, especially motherhood involving a traumatized child mean I can't control everything (*gasp*).

a first time for everything...

So this is my first time blogging.... ever.... I decided it was time to do this when I realized that there is a community of support out in cyber space that I can utilize... also when I realized I needed a semi-private way to release frustrations about being a foster parent. Not that it is all frustrating... but who am I kidding.... it is frustrating most of the time... at least these days... I guess I should start with a little background, huh?

So my partner and I moved to Vermont almost 3 years ago with a dream of having a family and the rights that the state could give us. We opted to go with foster care (ultimately foster to adopt) and fell in love with our agency (Casey Family Services) who works only with "hard to place" kids. This means, in short, older kids who have generally experienced significant trauma. To make this part of the story short, last July we were introduced to an adorable, sweaty, sweet and funny little 8 year old boy, and decided we would start the process of making him a part of our family. On November 12th of 2009 he moved in full time with us, and our life as a three person family began.

Now, I don't want to imply that we have it terrible, I mean, we have an amazing agency, and a ton of support systems around us. We also have a little guy who has the proven capacity to love, and gives us glimmers of the developed man he has the potential to be from time to time. On the other hand, we have not interacted with one professional yet (and I am talking out of about 25 or so folks) who have not said he is among the most severe cases they have ever seen. Severe in his trauma history specifically, which of course forshadows the many issues he will and already has experienced in trying to become a member of the family.

I would really like to connect to other parents of foster children. I would also love to connect with other lesbian parents. I don't feel like I can come into work on a regular basis and say something like "wow, this morning sucked because his shoes did not feel good on his feet today which resulted in a 1/2 hour of screaming and crying and calling us bitches before a hole was put in the wall until he calmed down and got to school 45 minutes late". Just don't feel like that is really the kind of "watercooler talk" I want to engage in at my workplace. Make sense?

So here's to my first blog.... and here's to taking every day one-day-at-a-time.... what else is there to do, right?