Monday, May 31, 2010

Hope? Where are you?

I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like I am at the bottom right now. Between Mom and I, it was always me that at least held out hope that things would get better. The past several days I have totally lost that. I don't know where it went, but I am just sitting at the bottom of what feels like a pit without any hope.
Maybe it is because this is a long weekend.... I used to look forward to having the day off work, now I dread it. I dread it because I know that it will mean juggling emotions, constantly correcting, and probably having to manage an escalation. It totally sucks that I would rather be at work than at home with my family.
It sucks that I LIVE for respite weekends.... the only good thing about a non-respite weekend is that the next weekend IS a respite weekend. Where is my hope?
I can't even say that anything NEW or WORSE has happened in the last several days to make it go away, it just did.... is it that there is only so much and it dried up? Is it not a renewable resource? Is it me and not little man? I think it is possible that I am experiencing a depression that I have not in a while (sadly, not new to depression, but have managed it well for a long time now).
Every little thing is a fight. Currently we are fighting (by currently I mean as I write this) about what is and what is not his routine. Earlier we fought over whether Look-it was one word or two... everything is a fight... everything.... there was a time when I thought I was prepared for this, thought I could handle it, for some reason i don't feel that way anymore.
On the other hand I feel like if we can't make it work with little man we have contributed to the ruining of his life. How do we do that? I have never felt more like I was between a rock and a hard place than I do now. I feel like there is no way to turn.
We are still waiting to see if funding for the "in home family consultant" will go through, we should know more tomorrow.... I have to tell you, I think if it does not come through we might have to seriously consider other options for little man, because we are trying everything we have and it is not working.
Miserable. That is how I feel right now. Miserable and hopeless....

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Testing....

I find it tough to blog on days like today, where the week has not been extreme at all, neither bad, nor good. Little man went to respite last weekend, which was a MUCH needed rest for Mom and I, and generally after that I am pretty set to go for another few rounds. He has been testing every single limit that he can though, more so with Mom than with me. He has gotten to where he sets up situations that he thinks will bug her, such as jumping around the kitchen while she is getting breakfast together, fists clenched, stating things like "you want to mess with me do ya? You want to mess with me?". Acting like a big tough boy is a definite coping mechanism for him. Generally mom just ignores it, but usually has to vent afterwards.
This morning I said something to him (can't remember what, it was insignificant) and his response was "you just be quiet".... now, in the household I grew up in that type of response would land you a backhand across various body parts, but I chose to go with "excuse me? that is not a respectful way to speak to me". He then went on to "lecture" me on how if I don't respect him then he won't respect me... etc. Of course I asked how he felt disrespected by my, and the answer was because I tell him to do stuff.... *sigh*.....

So I met with our family therapist alone last week (mom got held up at work) and she talked with me about an idea that a group of them have come up with. Basically it would involve our agency employing a full time staff member (PhD level, no less) to be our "in home support counselor". This would be a person that would literally, for a while at least, be in our home whenever little man is there and awake, coaching us on the ins and outs of working with him. He would help us with responses, help little man understand things that are tough, etc. Fortunately the person they are thinking of we know, he was an intern in our family therapy for a while, and Mom really likes him (I do too, but she REALLY connected with him). I can't help but think how weird the whole thing will be, but I also know we have to give every possible resource a shot. The most fascinating thing to me though, is that this has NEVER been done in Vermont as far as anyone knows, and can only happen because our agency has access to the necessary resources. It also points out to me not only the severity of our case, but the investment of folks around us to make it work.... that makes me feel good overall. I wonder what the Super Nanny would say if she were to come live with us for a while?
So here's to possibilities, and trying every possible option....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Tough Momma

So growing up my family was never one to really make a big deal out of injurys. I mean, I have two sisters and between the three of us very little happened as far as injury, but none-the-less a skinned knee or sprained wrist got no more then the minimal amount of attention. Even on days we were sick the general rule was "go to school, if you are that sick they will send you home".... because of this as an adult I have never been one to dwell on injurys, pains, illnesses, etc. My wife, however.... the opposite. She needs significant attention paid to every boo-boo, and heaven help if she is sick.... you basically are best to just say far, far away.

Anyway, this relates to my blog becuase parenting little man has not only challenged my patience and nerves, but I have also sustained more injuries in the 6 months he has been with us then my entire adult life. The past month, when we have had to start restraining him when he is out of control is really where these have happened. The significant scratches, pinches and bruises to my arms and legs have been, while annoying, pretty easy for me to overlook. I have an extremely high tolarance for pain and I don't believe that while he is being restrained he is in enough control of his body to understand what he is doing. Also, these things have been either small enough to not notice or easy to hide, so I had very little need to share this type of thing with people in my everyday life.... until this weekend that is.....

Following a new restraint position that I quickly realized did not work when I got a severe head-butt to my upper cheek I noticed something out of my left eye.... I asked Mom, "is there something on my face?" (mind you, all the while holding little man down and waiting for the police to arrive). Her face turned white and she said "oh my god little man, you have done it now! Momma has a big black eye!". Soon the police arrived and after refusing the need to be "checked out" by medical folks, I just waited for the swelling to stop and the bruising to begin.... and begin it did! I currently and sporting quite a shiner, and even two days later cannot cover it up with make-up. You can imagine that my business is now pretty out there, because when you are wearing something like this on your face, people ask questions....

Ultimately the black eye is not really that big of a deal to me.... but what I have noticed more than ever before is how big a deal it is to everyone else. This has made me realize that it really is pretty screwed up to be getting these types of injuries on a regular basis, whether it is on my leg or on my face. I feel like I am starting to lose hope, and that loss is coming with recognizing this is not something I can keep to myself, it is not a bruise I can cover up and hide (although I did consider Paris Hilton sunglasses and/or a veil, both of which I figured would get more attention than the actual eye).

Mom appears to me to be totally done. I am afraid she is hanging on because of me, and the fact that I am not done. I have also been amazed at how hard it is for her to see my face like this... I mean, while it is my face I don't really look at myself that often (contrary to popular demand ;) ).
Anyway, I am feeling much less hope today. Of course, the benefit of taking things one day at a time is that tomorrow might be different, if we can make it till then......

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

knock on wood

So in thinking about what I want to write about today, it is a little challenging because I am not feeling any major trauma at the moment! Yeah for that! Knock on wood! We had a fairly rough weekend, but most of that was to be expected and since Monday (when school was back in session from the week break) we have been having a very smooth time... I really believe that the smallest change can really send little man reeling.... and school provides a good amount of predictable structure....

I thought I would take my sister's idea and post some things about little man that make me smile.... or laugh.... so here goes.....

His hands.... I swear his hands are like meatballs with vienna sausages as fingers.... seriously... picture a meatball with 5 vienna sausages sticking out and those are his hands.... really makes me laugh....

He has started making fun of the way we walk, which is ridiculous if you know Mom and I, cause we are COMPLETELY different, but we recently learned it is not OUR walk, but a "girls" walk he is making fun of... basically it involves him walking and swinging his hips, which is only topped in hilarity when he puts his meatball hands on his hips when he does it.....

He talks in his sleep.... like, a lot.... we will hear him just babbling on in there to whoever, whatever..... he also moves a good bit.... I have witnessed him many times reach out for something in front of him in his sleep, and the meatball will just hang out in the air for a while until it gradually works its way back down to the bed....

He is a good eater, and pretty much eats and likes anything we make (assuming he is not just generally grumpy that day). I ask him "how is it?" and usually becuase his mouth is very full I just get a little vienna sausage thumbs up. He helped me make jam last weekend (raspberry mango) and now he is obsessed with it. Who knew that a few spoonfuls of jam and some ritz crackers made a great dessert? He did!

He says "lookit" ALL the time... like 400 times a day.... "mom lookit", "lookit at this", "lookit momma".... really it makes me a little crazy but it is kind of funny.... especially annoying and funny when we are in the car and he keeps saying "lookit" and I am driving and he is in the back seat!

He has some funny and strange things he has said, for example last weekend I noticed he had some bug bites on his arm. I said "wow, you have some bugbites", and he said "they are not bugbites". I said "okay, wow, you have some bumps" and he said "they are not bumps". I said "well, what are they?" and he said "it is a disease, it is called allergies"..... thats a head-scratcher if I ever heard one.....

So, for today only good things... I will have to take notes on other funny things he says and does... cause really he is a special little guy, he just makes us crazy sometimes....

As always, one day at a time!