I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like I am at the bottom right now. Between Mom and I, it was always me that at least held out hope that things would get better. The past several days I have totally lost that. I don't know where it went, but I am just sitting at the bottom of what feels like a pit without any hope.
Maybe it is because this is a long weekend.... I used to look forward to having the day off work, now I dread it. I dread it because I know that it will mean juggling emotions, constantly correcting, and probably having to manage an escalation. It totally sucks that I would rather be at work than at home with my family.
It sucks that I LIVE for respite weekends.... the only good thing about a non-respite weekend is that the next weekend IS a respite weekend. Where is my hope?
I can't even say that anything NEW or WORSE has happened in the last several days to make it go away, it just did.... is it that there is only so much and it dried up? Is it not a renewable resource? Is it me and not little man? I think it is possible that I am experiencing a depression that I have not in a while (sadly, not new to depression, but have managed it well for a long time now).
Every little thing is a fight. Currently we are fighting (by currently I mean as I write this) about what is and what is not his routine. Earlier we fought over whether Look-it was one word or two... everything is a fight... everything.... there was a time when I thought I was prepared for this, thought I could handle it, for some reason i don't feel that way anymore.
On the other hand I feel like if we can't make it work with little man we have contributed to the ruining of his life. How do we do that? I have never felt more like I was between a rock and a hard place than I do now. I feel like there is no way to turn.
We are still waiting to see if funding for the "in home family consultant" will go through, we should know more tomorrow.... I have to tell you, I think if it does not come through we might have to seriously consider other options for little man, because we are trying everything we have and it is not working.
Miserable. That is how I feel right now. Miserable and hopeless....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone could blame you if you need to let go. You've obviously tried so, so hard...and I think life is too short to be this miserable. This world is so sad in that childrens' lives can be messed up like that, but no matter what we do, there's just no saving them all, and that is really hard to accept.
Whatever happens, we know you've been giving it your all and then some. Hang in there.
I wish I could travel up there and give you a big hug right now. There's nothing worse than losing hope. You have done everything you can this year to help little man and make this work. If it's not working, it's because he's not ready. You had so many specialists tell you what a rough history he had and how hard it would be for him to be part of a family now. There may not be anything else you can do until he's ready to accept the love you are sharing.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as that is to realize, I do know, that you won't be able to give him any more support if you are in a bad place or if you and mom#2 are in a bad place...and it seems like you need to look into some other options to make sure it doesn't come to that. I'm attaching the last bit of energy I have left after a full day with K to this post...use it for something that makes you smile.
I can only understand a bit of how you must feel defeated, beaten down, tired. Let yourself grieve. I believe the Lord has a plan for little man -- and for you and Mom. Trust him. And trust that you are doing your best. That's all anyone can ask or expect. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHi friend,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're having so much trouble and that you feel like you're contributing to little man's ruination. I know you're doing the best you can do. We haven't had a foster placement yet, so I don't know what it feels like to be you, but we do have the bio kid living with us, and I can already tell you, we're ruining her life. That's part our job, isn't it? We're only people, after all, and we make all kinds of crazy mistakes too. Furthermore, I'm sure I'm messing her up in ways I can't even predict. I can tell you, my mother sure messed up my life in ways in which she was entirely unaware. The thing that made her a great mother in the end was that I know she did the best she could and that she tried her best to let me know that she loved me and cared about me. When I finally got old enough to point my finger at her and tell her what she did wrong, she admitted it was true, and she apologized. I know you two, and I know you're doing your best, and you are absolutely not contributing to little man's demise. You are modeling for him the way sensible, emotionally healthy people deal with their problems, and he may never have had an opportunity to see responsible love in action. So please, try to be easy on yourselves. I implore you. I know you're doing good by little man. I love you, miss you, and think about you guys often. - Jen