Don't know how to feel.....

So on Monday we met with the team and determined how the "change over" would happen. We had a therapy appointment with him on Tuesday and decided to tell him there, and people would be in place to take him to his next placement. Our therapist predicted that he would not have a negitive reaction, and in fact would act like he did not care about the news, and she really nailed that one the head.
I can't tell you what was going through my mind because there was so much, scared, sad, depressed.... pretty much Mom took the lead and explained that we cannot be the parents he needs and that there were many people in his life to help him find the parents that will help him be the best he can be. He had very little reaction other than to clarify what we were telling him, and act like he did not care. His only real comment was to look in the mirror at himself and say "oh, I am handsome, except for these freckles... they are ugly". He then asked if he could go and went down the hallway saying "hey, did you guys hear? I can't live with C and C anymore".... we then had the therapist come out to our car and take the couple of bags we had packed for him, with about a weeks worth of clothing and a few comfort items. The rest of his stuff will be packed and transferred at a time to be determined.
Mom and I talked later about the freckle comment... that we read it as a dig on me, since he and I had a thing about freckles, and when I would give him kisses it was me giving him more freckles...
We spent the rest of the night drinking... certainly helped me sleep, but gave me a wicked headache all day yesterday. We both took yesterday off of work, we had scheduled that anyway for a training, and thought it was ideal to still take it and just "be". We took a day trip and ate dinner out, but ultimately had a hell of an argument when Mom asked me if I was "sensitive"... she did not like hearing that I felt like I would be for a while, and when she said that I "needed to be someone she could live with" I basically flew off the handle and told her that I could not guarantee how I would be. And I can't! I don't want to worry about "being a tolorable person" right now.... I just want to know how to get myself through each hour... especially since very few people in my life know.... and I feel like I am walking through a mine field... I don't know when to expect an explosion, and am carefully navigating each word and step, for fear that someone might catch me off guard with a comment I can't handle. Already dodged one this morning when a coworker acknowledged how crazy things have been at my house lately with little man.... a nod and a change of subject helped there, but it won't always.....
So my sister told me I should keep blogging even though I am in this bad space, and now you have all been exposed to a lot of my shit.... I appologize for that, but you can blame her... that is for you Lu! ;)
So, any idea how to change the title of a blog? Seems wrong to keep this title and keep blogging... maybe I don't keep blogging.... who knows?

I guess every well runs dry.... eventually....

So mom and I had a couple of very interesting meetings this week. Basically we were very clear with our team that we were teetering on the edge, and that our last hope was this possible resource of the "in home support person". It was made clear then that if that did come through, it would only be for a very short period of time. The next day I got a message from our agency that we could not have a few of the other resources that had been discussed, because we currently are using so many resources. That afternoon we had a meeting where it basically was talked about that we might not be the family that can meet all of little man's needs. While this sort of felt like a blow, it also felt very true. Frankly, the "well" of resources from our agency are tapped, and if we can't make it work with all of this, something else needs to happen because we can't meet his needs.

The next day (yesterday) we met with our family therapist, and while nothing is set in stone as of yet, we more-or-less made the decision to move forward on a plan to remove him from our home. My guess is we will meet with the team on Monday, and by the end of the week the plan will be in place, and he may even be removed by then.

First and foremost, this was my worst nightmare. I never wanted to even bring a child in who I was not positive would be there forever. I guess we can't predict the future.

I also thought that if we ever made this decision we would feel completely confident in the decision, and what sucks is we are still both so confused. I am much more sad than mom I think, but she has really already accepted that this was coming. We kind of had to agree to no longer question it, because it is not only our choice, it is the choice of a lot of people who think he needs more than we can give, and because we will drive ourselves crazy if we keep "what if-ing" everything.

One thing is clear, we will never work towards permanency again with any child. We plan to request that we remain members of little man's life in whatever ways are deemed appropriate, but who knows what that will look like.

The worst part for me in this is that thought of having to tell him. It will happen in therapy, so we will have support, but I can't even think about that right now... it seems so awful.

I think this will always be for me my greatest failure.