So on Monday we met with the team and determined how the "change over" would happen. We had a therapy appointment with him on Tuesday and decided to tell him there, and people would be in place to take him to his next placement. Our therapist predicted that he would not have a negitive reaction, and in fact would act like he did not care about the news, and she really nailed that one the head.
I can't tell you what was going through my mind because there was so much, scared, sad, depressed.... pretty much Mom took the lead and explained that we cannot be the parents he needs and that there were many people in his life to help him find the parents that will help him be the best he can be. He had very little reaction other than to clarify what we were telling him, and act like he did not care. His only real comment was to look in the mirror at himself and say "oh, I am handsome, except for these freckles... they are ugly". He then asked if he could go and went down the hallway saying "hey, did you guys hear? I can't live with C and C anymore".... we then had the therapist come out to our car and take the couple of bags we had packed for him, with about a weeks worth of clothing and a few comfort items. The rest of his stuff will be packed and transferred at a time to be determined.
Mom and I talked later about the freckle comment... that we read it as a dig on me, since he and I had a thing about freckles, and when I would give him kisses it was me giving him more freckles...
We spent the rest of the night drinking... certainly helped me sleep, but gave me a wicked headache all day yesterday. We both took yesterday off of work, we had scheduled that anyway for a training, and thought it was ideal to still take it and just "be". We took a day trip and ate dinner out, but ultimately had a hell of an argument when Mom asked me if I was "sensitive"... she did not like hearing that I felt like I would be for a while, and when she said that I "needed to be someone she could live with" I basically flew off the handle and told her that I could not guarantee how I would be. And I can't! I don't want to worry about "being a tolorable person" right now.... I just want to know how to get myself through each hour... especially since very few people in my life know.... and I feel like I am walking through a mine field... I don't know when to expect an explosion, and am carefully navigating each word and step, for fear that someone might catch me off guard with a comment I can't handle. Already dodged one this morning when a coworker acknowledged how crazy things have been at my house lately with little man.... a nod and a change of subject helped there, but it won't always.....
So my sister told me I should keep blogging even though I am in this bad space, and now you have all been exposed to a lot of my shit.... I appologize for that, but you can blame her... that is for you Lu! ;)
So, any idea how to change the title of a blog? Seems wrong to keep this title and keep blogging... maybe I don't keep blogging.... who knows?
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As for the title of the blog, go to "customize" and then "layout," and then edit "header." To change the URL, go to "settings," then "publishing" then blogspot address.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't know if you need to change the name and address yet. If you are blogging about your grief and adjustment -- then it's certainly appropriate to continue on as is. If you decide to change, shoot us an e-mail so we can find you.
Allow yourself to grieve. This sucks. And is painful. And only you know how much. It will take a long time to work through -- and like a death (which it certainly is) -- it will always be painful to varying degrees. Little Man was your child. Just b/c he isn't living with you anymore, just b/c he can't live with you anymore, doesn't mean you don't love him or that he isn't your child in spirit.
As for your co-workers and friends and simply associates, my suggestion comes from a past discussion with you...develop a short, concise soundbite that you can use in a pinch. I think at your high school reunion you used, "I date girls." I dont' know what it will be in this case, but be fearless to cry, fearless to be honest. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You tried very hard to make it work. You gave it your all. You still love him. You wish the best for him. That's it.
Praying for you. God loves you and Little Man and Mom and has a plan for you all.
Good advice from sis up there.
ReplyDeleteYes, you are grieving, but so is Mom, you just do it differently. She wants to move on and you want to process. You know each other and care for one another and this too, shall pass.
I think you should continue to blog. I'm sure there are many others in your position now, or were in the past, or will be in the future. Do you think you will foster again?
ReplyDeleteAs for your argument...you're both in a bad place right now, and understandably so. You can't dwell on possibilities, like how you'll be in the short or long term. You have to take it day by day. It wasn't a bad question for her to ask, but it is impossible to answer as we don't know how things will affect us until we live it. I hope you can both be strong for each other.
There's a whole community of foster/adoptive parents out here that support you. This is hard work. Hugs to you and your partner. Please take care of yourself through this transition.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. We are going through a really rough time with our foster son right now, and though we're nowhere near thinking of disrupting the placement we had to check him in to a psych hospital last night and my heart is hurting so much right now. Be good to yourself and get the support you need.
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