So mom and I had a couple of very interesting meetings this week. Basically we were very clear with our team that we were teetering on the edge, and that our last hope was this possible resource of the "in home support person". It was made clear then that if that did come through, it would only be for a very short period of time. The next day I got a message from our agency that we could not have a few of the other resources that had been discussed, because we currently are using so many resources. That afternoon we had a meeting where it basically was talked about that we might not be the family that can meet all of little man's needs. While this sort of felt like a blow, it also felt very true. Frankly, the "well" of resources from our agency are tapped, and if we can't make it work with all of this, something else needs to happen because we can't meet his needs.
The next day (yesterday) we met with our family therapist, and while nothing is set in stone as of yet, we more-or-less made the decision to move forward on a plan to remove him from our home. My guess is we will meet with the team on Monday, and by the end of the week the plan will be in place, and he may even be removed by then.
First and foremost, this was my worst nightmare. I never wanted to even bring a child in who I was not positive would be there forever. I guess we can't predict the future.
I also thought that if we ever made this decision we would feel completely confident in the decision, and what sucks is we are still both so confused. I am much more sad than mom I think, but she has really already accepted that this was coming. We kind of had to agree to no longer question it, because it is not only our choice, it is the choice of a lot of people who think he needs more than we can give, and because we will drive ourselves crazy if we keep "what if-ing" everything.
One thing is clear, we will never work towards permanency again with any child. We plan to request that we remain members of little man's life in whatever ways are deemed appropriate, but who knows what that will look like.
The worst part for me in this is that thought of having to tell him. It will happen in therapy, so we will have support, but I can't even think about that right now... it seems so awful.
I think this will always be for me my greatest failure.
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I know there's nothing anyone can say to make you feel like it's not your failure, but I don't see it like that. The situation is a failure in so many ways, but none of them are your fault. And I know this whole thing will effect you for the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteYou are clearly doing what you have to and I wish you the greatest luck and strength in getting through it.
Wow. I'm not sure what to say either. I'm sure this is completely devastating for you and I know your time with Little Man will impact the rest of your life. I hope it will one day bring you comfort to remember that you gave it your all. You didn't make a decision to kick him out. His larger support team decided that it wasn't working. They couldn't give you enough resources to make it work. You tried everything you could to make it work, but it wasn't what he needed right now. I have been in awe of what you have been through with the foster care system. You two are amazing women who have selflessly given up two years to 2 children with intense needs. Be proud of the time, attention, affection, and support you gave him this year. I know it's easier said than done, but- It's ok to let him go and hope that he finds what he needs.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the pain and sorrow you are feeling. It will take time to grieve and heal after this -- and give yourself that time. You need it and deserve it.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like a failure now, I know. But I hope you can come to see it as your greatest gift. (Echoing what Ms. Waters said.) You gave Little Man your all. What an immense, wonderful, selfless gift. Nothing to be ashamed of or feel failure for.
I hope this process of grieving and healing will draw you and Mom closer together as you piece out a future, connecting with Little Man as appropriate or not. You have so many talents. Your well is dry now, but it will fill up. I am certain God loves Little Man and has a plan for him. Just as he has a plan for you and Mom. You can trust his love.
YOU have not failed!! You have proven he was not ready for a loving home yet! He deserves a loving home but when he has the skills to make him successful and the transition plan to make it work. What you and Cori have done is provide him the window so that he knows it is out there. I promise you he will never forget you
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