What a difference a year (and a half) makes....

Today I was prompted to look at my blog.... I have not since my last post. I have been considering coming back to the "blogisphere" for the past few weeks for a few reasons, one because I have several blogs that I enjoy and would hate if they just stopped, and two because we recently (very recently) and quickly have been launched back into the foster system, reeled in by a 16 yo queer identified (although very boy crazy) young woman needing immediate placement.... but that I can get into later....

I like to the leave the past behind me... always have.... not sure why I have always struggled to keep former relationships and experiences with me, I contribute it to a fairly "sweep unhappiness under the rug and move forward" upbringing, but who knows.... anyway I recieved and email from an old friend today that prompted me to look.... she and I began emailing a few months ago after many years of not being in contact, and I (clearly in a vulnerable moment) talked about our experience with little man, and how it left me feeling. Her response came today, and here I am....

What did I do for a year and a half? Therapy.... lots and lots of therapy.... I keep wondering when I am going to get my certificate of healing and call an end to the weekly hour long toy-with-my-emotions session in which I try to be honest and raw, but ultimately leave feeling like I really did not get very far. Do you know that I have never cried in therapy? NEVER! Kind of strange right? It has done me some good though, I now understand more about PTSD, which I have since fully accepted I have... I have been learning how to manage and "feel" the flashbacks (of which were once 50 or so times a day and have diminished to about 50 a week) versus just put them out of my head, which was getting me nowhere... I am also constantly amazed at how angry I get at little man now.... now that he is far away.... I get so angry.... I wonder why I did not just smack the crap out of him, or pinch him, or spit back on him.... I think we clearly know the reasons why I didn't, but that is how I feel almost all of the time now when he comes to mind.... and flashbacks are so strange.... from a noise while driving down the street to a visit from our niece I can never predict what will set them off.... and I can't predict how them make me feel.... I can only predict that they will continue to happen, for however long.... and that they will likely continue to diminish, and maybe one day I will in fact graduate from therapy.... heres to hoping, right?

So we have seen little man exactly 3 times since he was removed from our house. The first was about a month or so later we did a quick 1/2 hour ice-cream meeting just to let him know we were still in his life. A few months later we did another one, and found that for me it was a little more than we had planned for. I wanted at the time to be able to just move on, but the flashbacks and nightmares (did I mention nightmares? oh yeah there were those too) were getting so much worse that we decided to not only put our relationship with him on hold for a while but we also closed our file with our agency and put to rest the idea of doing "emergency temporary placement" work with our local DCF (after much advice on how emergency placements often become long term and we decided we did not want that). I started my own Pampered Chef business and mom and I began settling into a new life, one without kids, and frankly without much direction. Generally I don't mind ambiguity, but when it comes to life plans I like to know exactly what to expect, and clearly that has proven to be completely impossible. Instead we are working at taking life "one day at a time" and seeing where the tides take us...

Last March we learned that just because you close a file with your agency doesn't mean you are "out of sight and out of mind" because we got a call from our former case worker. A girl we had met several times through work with our agency was now 19 and formally adopted, but was in need of a "transitional location" while she transferred from one college to another (her adoptive family lives in the bfe center of Vermont). She was no longer a foster child, but was working with a local organization who helps "launch" young adults into their lives and needed a place to live for a few months. We opted to bring her into our home and found that while it was not a bad experience, it was also not a great one, and not one that we really want to do again. It was much more like having a roommate than a child (mind you, a roommate who does not pick up after herself very well) and frankly we did not see much of her as she worked a lot and was attending the local community college. That being said we nudged her out of the nest at the end of the summer and she is currently enrolled at a small college down in southern Vermont.

Near the end of the summer I answered my cell phone to find our agency at the other end (mom says I should not answer when I don't know who it is but I just can't help myself! I think it comes from the time of hoping it may be Ed McMahon on the line offering me millions!). He was calling for a couple of reasons.... one to check in on 19 year old... she is doing fine, going to have to push her out of the nest though.... second was to say that little man was asking about us and would we be willing to get an ice-cream together.... probably, would have to clear it with mom but doubtful there would be an issue.... and third (notice they drop the big bomb last) they had a teenage girl that needs a home and they think we would be the perfect placement! That kind of stopped me in my tracks.... I told them we were leaving the next morning for a week long vacation, and I would talk to mom and email him when we got back.... that I thought we would probably be willing to at least sit down and hear more, but I had not predictions beyond that. He said "great" and we agree to talk later.

The next day on the airplane headed for the sunny south I recalled our conversation.... I turned to mom and gave her the quick updates, then went in for the kill..... "they have a girl they think we would be perfect for!"..... "of course they do, they know you respond really well to feedback like that".... "but she is 16 and a girl would be really different..."..... "do you really think you are ready for that? Do you really think we are ready for that? Our lives have just started to feel normal again".... "but don't you think it is worth sitting down and learning more?".... "well you know I would be willing to learn more, but I really think the answer will be no.... I can't see you go through that again, we are in a good place now".....

All week long I went back and forth in my mind.... am I ready? Am I crazy? I found that I was ultimately so confused that I did not email when I returned.... I kept meaning to, but I did not know what to say.... so I would do it soon.... I would.....

Well that went on for 3 WEEKS! Ultimately I got an email from our agency saying that he understood if the answer was "no", but they needed to know one way or the other so they could move forward. Now, those of you who don't know me need to know that I get SO EMBARRASSED when I am a slacker about things like responding to email. I was so caught off guard by this I immediately responded with way too much information about how I was confused and I did not know what to do so I did nothing, and while mom had agreed to sit down and learn more I really thought the answer would be "no" so I did not want anyone to get their hopes up. With that said we set a date to sit down and learn more....