So we have had two "major" incidents in the past week. Both incidents involved distruction or the attempt to distruct property, and in both cases I ended up holding little man down until the police arrived. The fact is that little man is so completely disregulated that he cannot control himself when he is angry, etc. The second incident resulted in us having our agency get us respite early (he was going to go the next day anyway, but we needed him gone that night).
The fact that he was being sent to "emergency respite" was really unsettling for him. This has only happened one time before, and that time he left the day after the incident. He was clearly aware this time that he was leaving because Mom and I were in a bad place. He has even called twice since he has been gone, and it is obvious he is stressed about his place in our family.
We are not giving up yet... we made the decision, after a long conversation, and frankly after quite a fight between us that we would get back on the parenting wagon for another round with little man.... my hope is that this round will be kinder and gentler, because we are both pretty beat up....
Mom and I also had to really face the fact that this was not only hard on us as parents and people, but hard on us as a couple. We want so badly not give up on him, but at what point do you put every part of the family in jeopardy? We are both very confused, and pretty depressed this week....
One thing we agreed on pretty easily is that we are both seriously triggered by needless distruction, and we both value our home and belongings (Mom's car got the side mirror almost kicked off during one episode) and just can't sign on for an endless series of distruction.
Anyway, thanks for listening... it totally, totally sucks right now, but again, just one day at a time, and today he is at respite, so that is nice.....
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
So clearly I am not the best at consistency when it comes to blogging, but in my defense I am new to this...
When I was thinking about what I wanted to write about today so many things came to mind, and they were all very disjointed. I could walk you through our last week and a half, which, for the most part (barring one needed visit from the SBPD) has been quite good, but I think I want to focus on a conference Mom and I went to last weekend.... so here goes....
Here in VT they have an association called The Vermont Foster and Adoptive Families Association (VFAFA) and every year they hold a conference right in Burlington. Our agency pays for us to go, so we decided to take full advantage and registered for the whole 2 days. The first day (Friday) was an all day institute by a guy named Ross Greene.... he has written many books such as The Explosive Child, etc. He really focuses on identifying the actual problem, not behavior and addressing it in a collaborative way with your child. Mom and I were both pretty glad to see that generally we were on the right track, but were still able to learn more about what might work better for Little Man. We also got to see many other families from our agency, which is just always a nice thing since we all seem to "get each other" so well.
The second day is really where I found the most interesting things, however. First and foremost, it is important to know our visit from the SBPD happened on Friday night, so Saturday morning's session was right off the tail of that, and both Mom and I were feeling pretty sensitive still. The keynote speaker was Michael Trout, who has done a great deal of work with infants, and how getting, or not getting one's needs met as an infant can dramatically effect the rest of your life. Of course we found this all very interesting, since it is no secret that Little Man did not get his needs met as an infant, and we did find nuggets that we thought would be helpful.
Trout also does a lot of work from the perspective of the foster parent. There was a point where he said we were going to talk about meditation. Now, coming from a strict christian family, things like meditation were never talked about, much less encouraged, so when he said this I thought "oh great, what am I going to do with this?". He then proceeded to play an audio tape of a woman talking about her foster child. Almost immediately I found myself very moved... and before I knew it tears were running down my cheeks.... (for those of you who know me, I work very hard to avoid this type of reaction at all cost!). The voice said things like "for just this moment I am going to look past the pain in my child's eyes, and see what was there before the hurt and the pain and the abuse". It talked about how much they make us angry, how much we want to give up, we need to remember that the way they are is not their fault. It is the fault of people who were supposed to care for them, who were supposed to protect them, and love them. The fact that we are picking up the pieces of our children's lives is not a curse on us, but a responsibility, because our children cannot do it for themselves. I found my reaction embarrassing, but I also knew it was coming from a very raw and honest place. Maybe meditation is not such a bad thing, huh?
Later in the day we went to a session that was essentially a round table discussion among LGBT identified parents. It is always great to sit in a room and discuss things that you feel everyone can't understand in the same way. There were many families who had experienced the pain of losing a foster child to a reunification that they believed was not healthy, and some speculation that the courts chose to reunify rather than allow a lesbian or gay family to adopt the child. Heartbreaking. That is one thing we are fortunate not to have to deal with with Little Man, he was TPRed (Termination of Parental Rights) long before we met him.... not always the case.
One family though had a particularly interesting and horrifying story. This lesbian couple, about 2 years ago took in 5 siblings (God Bless Them!).... triplet girls, and a younger boy and an older child. The older child had to be re-placed about 2 weeks in, becuase he/she needed much more help then could be given at the time. But what was most sad about the story was what the kids had been put through before being taken from their family. They had often been locked into crates with the family dogs, for days at a time. The dogs had fed them, watered them, and cleaned them. The children were described as "ferrell" children upon coming to their foster family. They did not know how to interact as humans. The women spoke about how when the doorbell would ring, all 5 children would start running around and barking. This also happened when the clock struck Noon AND Midnight. Despite this the court will not terminate their parents rights, but fortunately have determined that they should remain in the foster system rather than being reunified. Absolutely crazy......
So as I conclude this I remind myself to look past the ugly words that Little Man sometimes uses, or the hateful look in his eyes when he is mad, and remember that he is a work in progress, and that work may be long. Fortunately we have great support systems...
When I was thinking about what I wanted to write about today so many things came to mind, and they were all very disjointed. I could walk you through our last week and a half, which, for the most part (barring one needed visit from the SBPD) has been quite good, but I think I want to focus on a conference Mom and I went to last weekend.... so here goes....
Here in VT they have an association called The Vermont Foster and Adoptive Families Association (VFAFA) and every year they hold a conference right in Burlington. Our agency pays for us to go, so we decided to take full advantage and registered for the whole 2 days. The first day (Friday) was an all day institute by a guy named Ross Greene.... he has written many books such as The Explosive Child, etc. He really focuses on identifying the actual problem, not behavior and addressing it in a collaborative way with your child. Mom and I were both pretty glad to see that generally we were on the right track, but were still able to learn more about what might work better for Little Man. We also got to see many other families from our agency, which is just always a nice thing since we all seem to "get each other" so well.
The second day is really where I found the most interesting things, however. First and foremost, it is important to know our visit from the SBPD happened on Friday night, so Saturday morning's session was right off the tail of that, and both Mom and I were feeling pretty sensitive still. The keynote speaker was Michael Trout, who has done a great deal of work with infants, and how getting, or not getting one's needs met as an infant can dramatically effect the rest of your life. Of course we found this all very interesting, since it is no secret that Little Man did not get his needs met as an infant, and we did find nuggets that we thought would be helpful.
Trout also does a lot of work from the perspective of the foster parent. There was a point where he said we were going to talk about meditation. Now, coming from a strict christian family, things like meditation were never talked about, much less encouraged, so when he said this I thought "oh great, what am I going to do with this?". He then proceeded to play an audio tape of a woman talking about her foster child. Almost immediately I found myself very moved... and before I knew it tears were running down my cheeks.... (for those of you who know me, I work very hard to avoid this type of reaction at all cost!). The voice said things like "for just this moment I am going to look past the pain in my child's eyes, and see what was there before the hurt and the pain and the abuse". It talked about how much they make us angry, how much we want to give up, we need to remember that the way they are is not their fault. It is the fault of people who were supposed to care for them, who were supposed to protect them, and love them. The fact that we are picking up the pieces of our children's lives is not a curse on us, but a responsibility, because our children cannot do it for themselves. I found my reaction embarrassing, but I also knew it was coming from a very raw and honest place. Maybe meditation is not such a bad thing, huh?
Later in the day we went to a session that was essentially a round table discussion among LGBT identified parents. It is always great to sit in a room and discuss things that you feel everyone can't understand in the same way. There were many families who had experienced the pain of losing a foster child to a reunification that they believed was not healthy, and some speculation that the courts chose to reunify rather than allow a lesbian or gay family to adopt the child. Heartbreaking. That is one thing we are fortunate not to have to deal with with Little Man, he was TPRed (Termination of Parental Rights) long before we met him.... not always the case.
One family though had a particularly interesting and horrifying story. This lesbian couple, about 2 years ago took in 5 siblings (God Bless Them!).... triplet girls, and a younger boy and an older child. The older child had to be re-placed about 2 weeks in, becuase he/she needed much more help then could be given at the time. But what was most sad about the story was what the kids had been put through before being taken from their family. They had often been locked into crates with the family dogs, for days at a time. The dogs had fed them, watered them, and cleaned them. The children were described as "ferrell" children upon coming to their foster family. They did not know how to interact as humans. The women spoke about how when the doorbell would ring, all 5 children would start running around and barking. This also happened when the clock struck Noon AND Midnight. Despite this the court will not terminate their parents rights, but fortunately have determined that they should remain in the foster system rather than being reunified. Absolutely crazy......
So as I conclude this I remind myself to look past the ugly words that Little Man sometimes uses, or the hateful look in his eyes when he is mad, and remember that he is a work in progress, and that work may be long. Fortunately we have great support systems...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Cops are our friends...
So my sister has been reading this blog and she was anxious for me to post again, and sent me an email suggesting that I post about "5 things we did this weekend".... I wrote back saying "what about the 5 police officers that came to our house when we called 911 this weekend"? As you can imagine that alone did not satisfy her curiosity.
Well to be honest, the question back to her was not actually what happened... we actually only had 3 police officers show up... must have been a busy night in SB Vermont.... ;)
I feel like I should back up for reference sake....
So basically when you have a 9 year old, 110 lb child you can't always control everything they do... you also can't just pick them up and hold them to keep them from being distructive if they want to be..... however, trained police officers can.... and in the case of little man, they have!
The first time we had a visit from the guys and gals in blue was before Christmas, and before we had all of our services in place that help with his support. However, even with all of those services in place sometimes he just won't listen to anyone who is not sporting a badge.... if anyone out there knows where I can purchase one of these that would be helpful.....
Anyway, so I quickly learned several lessons once we started calling the police:
- Little man listens to them.... most of the time.... and when he doesn't they make him.....
- Police can get to your house really quickly... nice to know....
- When you have a child that police struggle with, the next time you call they show up in droves, like 7 cars at once outside our house....
- They all talk to each other and all know the trouble kids in town.... When we said his name this weekend 3 officers in unison said "ooohhhhh....".... kind of amusing....
- When you live in a neighborhood EVERYONE knows when the cops are at your house.... and often want to know why... but they won't ask you directly....
- Police are really good with kids... difusing them and even entertaining them when appropriate.... they are not always so good and providing helpful advice to parents though... I mean, when you are sitting on your couch crying, do I really need a cop telling me that "sometimes kids just need attention?".... lucky I did not own my own gun at that moment.....
So, yeah, this weekend he escalated really quickly and tried to turn over a large piece of furniture, kicked me several times, threw things at both Mom and I and actually ran out of the house and was gone for several minutes (he never goes far when it is dark outside... sort of the benefit of him being afraid of everything I guess). So while we had our on-site services on the way they police also came because they could get there so quickly. Frankly, compared to how it could have gone it was pretty anticlamactic.... He calmed down pretty quickly once they showed up and we just waited for on-site. The funniest part was when an officer sat down in a chair and our dog climbed right up into his lap and layed down.... clearly she knows cops are our friends too....
One observation about myself that I have found very interesting over the past several months is just how "normal" this life seems now... I mean, the first time we called the cops I was mortified that one car was in front of our house.... now there can be many and it won't even affect the rest of my day..... "oh yeah, had Cheerios, a visit from the cops, and a nice drive into work this morning...".... They say in the south we hide our skeletons well, and the fact is that our family issues are out on our front lawn regularly.... I don't know if the neighbors think we are nuts or know we are doing the best we can.... I guess I can't worry to much about that piece.....
We did have a funny moment once though.... We had the cops come one morning and it was a particularly bad visit where Little man actually ended up being handcuffed, carried to the cruiser and taken down to the station. Did I mention our driveway in the school bus stop? Yeah, not pretty.... about 10 kids in our driveway, 4 feet of snow on the ground, and a screaming 9 year old being carried in his PJs out the front door.... If I can make it through that embarrassment I can make it through anything.... anyway, when Mom came home from the station (she went down, I had to get to work) one of our neighbors who has never actually spoken a word to us was using his snowblower to plow our driveway.... I guess sympathy comes in many ways, and we really appreciated it....
So that was how my weekend ended.... cops and craziness... but strangly a rather normal weekend.... the biggest bummer?: When the local police make their annual calls to raise money for their program, how can I possibly make up an excuse not to give them money? I could go broke! So, thank your local police officers, they deal with more crap then I have ever thought possible....
Well to be honest, the question back to her was not actually what happened... we actually only had 3 police officers show up... must have been a busy night in SB Vermont.... ;)
I feel like I should back up for reference sake....
So basically when you have a 9 year old, 110 lb child you can't always control everything they do... you also can't just pick them up and hold them to keep them from being distructive if they want to be..... however, trained police officers can.... and in the case of little man, they have!
The first time we had a visit from the guys and gals in blue was before Christmas, and before we had all of our services in place that help with his support. However, even with all of those services in place sometimes he just won't listen to anyone who is not sporting a badge.... if anyone out there knows where I can purchase one of these that would be helpful.....
Anyway, so I quickly learned several lessons once we started calling the police:
- Little man listens to them.... most of the time.... and when he doesn't they make him.....
- Police can get to your house really quickly... nice to know....
- When you have a child that police struggle with, the next time you call they show up in droves, like 7 cars at once outside our house....
- They all talk to each other and all know the trouble kids in town.... When we said his name this weekend 3 officers in unison said "ooohhhhh....".... kind of amusing....
- When you live in a neighborhood EVERYONE knows when the cops are at your house.... and often want to know why... but they won't ask you directly....
- Police are really good with kids... difusing them and even entertaining them when appropriate.... they are not always so good and providing helpful advice to parents though... I mean, when you are sitting on your couch crying, do I really need a cop telling me that "sometimes kids just need attention?".... lucky I did not own my own gun at that moment.....
So, yeah, this weekend he escalated really quickly and tried to turn over a large piece of furniture, kicked me several times, threw things at both Mom and I and actually ran out of the house and was gone for several minutes (he never goes far when it is dark outside... sort of the benefit of him being afraid of everything I guess). So while we had our on-site services on the way they police also came because they could get there so quickly. Frankly, compared to how it could have gone it was pretty anticlamactic.... He calmed down pretty quickly once they showed up and we just waited for on-site. The funniest part was when an officer sat down in a chair and our dog climbed right up into his lap and layed down.... clearly she knows cops are our friends too....
One observation about myself that I have found very interesting over the past several months is just how "normal" this life seems now... I mean, the first time we called the cops I was mortified that one car was in front of our house.... now there can be many and it won't even affect the rest of my day..... "oh yeah, had Cheerios, a visit from the cops, and a nice drive into work this morning...".... They say in the south we hide our skeletons well, and the fact is that our family issues are out on our front lawn regularly.... I don't know if the neighbors think we are nuts or know we are doing the best we can.... I guess I can't worry to much about that piece.....
We did have a funny moment once though.... We had the cops come one morning and it was a particularly bad visit where Little man actually ended up being handcuffed, carried to the cruiser and taken down to the station. Did I mention our driveway in the school bus stop? Yeah, not pretty.... about 10 kids in our driveway, 4 feet of snow on the ground, and a screaming 9 year old being carried in his PJs out the front door.... If I can make it through that embarrassment I can make it through anything.... anyway, when Mom came home from the station (she went down, I had to get to work) one of our neighbors who has never actually spoken a word to us was using his snowblower to plow our driveway.... I guess sympathy comes in many ways, and we really appreciated it....
So that was how my weekend ended.... cops and craziness... but strangly a rather normal weekend.... the biggest bummer?: When the local police make their annual calls to raise money for their program, how can I possibly make up an excuse not to give them money? I could go broke! So, thank your local police officers, they deal with more crap then I have ever thought possible....
Friday, April 2, 2010
Interesting Morning
A major problem in our house lately is that little man hates to brush his teeth.... or just needs to control the situation around brushing his teeth.... either way it generally makes for very rough mornings in our house. We can have a decent start of the day and a blow up will occur around this task. The consequence of not brushing teeth is that he does not get to have dessert after dinner.... we feel a natural consequence of not taking care of one's teeth. Sometimes the mornings are just rough though, even if the teeth part goes okay, and frankly this has been pushing us to our absolute limit. Not only is there screaming and crying when meltdowns occur, but generally it means we have to call for on-site support which can take a while, and even with help getting him through the tantrum and out the door to school often means one or both of us is late to work. You can see why we were beginning to feel dread around mornings.
So in an effort to create more peaceful mornings in our house, we created a system for little man where he can earn magnets for each day that he accomplishes goals. The goals are to make his bed, brush his teeth and to get to school on time. The magnets spell out his name (5 letters) and when he gets all of his letters he gets a very special dessert (he, like me, is very into his sweets). We also explained that we were no longer going to fight with him about accomplishing these tasks, and if he chose not to do any of them then he knew the consequences (not getting dessert that night and not getting his magnet for the day). All week he has really been into it and every night before bed we add his letter to his chart. Last night we talked about how he only had 2 more to earn, and we discussed how great that dessert was going to be.
Well, this morning when I asked him if he was going to brush his teeth he said very calmly "no, I don't care if I don't get dessert tonight".... I said, "well don't you want to get your magnet" and he went into the bathroom where Mom was. I thought he was going to do it.... he came back and said, again very calmly "I am not going to do it today... I will try again tomorrow". I responded with "Okay, we will try again tomorrow".
What was so interesting to me is that he continued to have a good morning and went right off to school with no problem. What I found even more interesting was that the more I thought about it after he left, the more angry I became. So, in my very need-to-process-everything-to-death mind I started asking myself why I was angry. I mean, didn't we accomplish OUR goal of getting him out the door without a fight and us to work on time? Why do I care if he does not earn his dessert or his magnet? I concluded that I was mad because I truley like to control everything... and I had to let that go this morning, and let him control his own choice. Could I have started a fight? Absolutely! But the agreement was that he could make that choice and either reap the benefits or deal with the consequences.... so I guess there is a piece of control I just have to let go of.....
The other thought that came to me what the very clear presense this morning of his attachment disorder.... the kid does not attach to things, and the fact that he could be so excited about something last night and be so disconnected from it this morning really speaks to that. I know this is a very natural feeling for him, and that also speaks to the fact that this did not cause any escalation with him.... he truely did not care.... if he did we would have had a conflict.
So, overall I would say this was a good morning... even though he did not accomplish his goals.... which feels strange then to think it was good.... but at least we had no conflict. Soon he will be in our therapy sessions with us (right now it is just Mom and I (Momma) in the sessions to get us ready to work as a whole family) to start working on the attachment issues and maybe I will start to understand more. For now I will just appreciate a conflict-free morning, and start to accept the fact that motherhood, especially motherhood involving a traumatized child mean I can't control everything (*gasp*).
So in an effort to create more peaceful mornings in our house, we created a system for little man where he can earn magnets for each day that he accomplishes goals. The goals are to make his bed, brush his teeth and to get to school on time. The magnets spell out his name (5 letters) and when he gets all of his letters he gets a very special dessert (he, like me, is very into his sweets). We also explained that we were no longer going to fight with him about accomplishing these tasks, and if he chose not to do any of them then he knew the consequences (not getting dessert that night and not getting his magnet for the day). All week he has really been into it and every night before bed we add his letter to his chart. Last night we talked about how he only had 2 more to earn, and we discussed how great that dessert was going to be.
Well, this morning when I asked him if he was going to brush his teeth he said very calmly "no, I don't care if I don't get dessert tonight".... I said, "well don't you want to get your magnet" and he went into the bathroom where Mom was. I thought he was going to do it.... he came back and said, again very calmly "I am not going to do it today... I will try again tomorrow". I responded with "Okay, we will try again tomorrow".
What was so interesting to me is that he continued to have a good morning and went right off to school with no problem. What I found even more interesting was that the more I thought about it after he left, the more angry I became. So, in my very need-to-process-everything-to-death mind I started asking myself why I was angry. I mean, didn't we accomplish OUR goal of getting him out the door without a fight and us to work on time? Why do I care if he does not earn his dessert or his magnet? I concluded that I was mad because I truley like to control everything... and I had to let that go this morning, and let him control his own choice. Could I have started a fight? Absolutely! But the agreement was that he could make that choice and either reap the benefits or deal with the consequences.... so I guess there is a piece of control I just have to let go of.....
The other thought that came to me what the very clear presense this morning of his attachment disorder.... the kid does not attach to things, and the fact that he could be so excited about something last night and be so disconnected from it this morning really speaks to that. I know this is a very natural feeling for him, and that also speaks to the fact that this did not cause any escalation with him.... he truely did not care.... if he did we would have had a conflict.
So, overall I would say this was a good morning... even though he did not accomplish his goals.... which feels strange then to think it was good.... but at least we had no conflict. Soon he will be in our therapy sessions with us (right now it is just Mom and I (Momma) in the sessions to get us ready to work as a whole family) to start working on the attachment issues and maybe I will start to understand more. For now I will just appreciate a conflict-free morning, and start to accept the fact that motherhood, especially motherhood involving a traumatized child mean I can't control everything (*gasp*).
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