A major problem in our house lately is that little man hates to brush his teeth.... or just needs to control the situation around brushing his teeth.... either way it generally makes for very rough mornings in our house. We can have a decent start of the day and a blow up will occur around this task. The consequence of not brushing teeth is that he does not get to have dessert after dinner.... we feel a natural consequence of not taking care of one's teeth. Sometimes the mornings are just rough though, even if the teeth part goes okay, and frankly this has been pushing us to our absolute limit. Not only is there screaming and crying when meltdowns occur, but generally it means we have to call for on-site support which can take a while, and even with help getting him through the tantrum and out the door to school often means one or both of us is late to work. You can see why we were beginning to feel dread around mornings.
So in an effort to create more peaceful mornings in our house, we created a system for little man where he can earn magnets for each day that he accomplishes goals. The goals are to make his bed, brush his teeth and to get to school on time. The magnets spell out his name (5 letters) and when he gets all of his letters he gets a very special dessert (he, like me, is very into his sweets). We also explained that we were no longer going to fight with him about accomplishing these tasks, and if he chose not to do any of them then he knew the consequences (not getting dessert that night and not getting his magnet for the day). All week he has really been into it and every night before bed we add his letter to his chart. Last night we talked about how he only had 2 more to earn, and we discussed how great that dessert was going to be.
Well, this morning when I asked him if he was going to brush his teeth he said very calmly "no, I don't care if I don't get dessert tonight".... I said, "well don't you want to get your magnet" and he went into the bathroom where Mom was. I thought he was going to do it.... he came back and said, again very calmly "I am not going to do it today... I will try again tomorrow". I responded with "Okay, we will try again tomorrow".
What was so interesting to me is that he continued to have a good morning and went right off to school with no problem. What I found even more interesting was that the more I thought about it after he left, the more angry I became. So, in my very need-to-process-everything-to-death mind I started asking myself why I was angry. I mean, didn't we accomplish OUR goal of getting him out the door without a fight and us to work on time? Why do I care if he does not earn his dessert or his magnet? I concluded that I was mad because I truley like to control everything... and I had to let that go this morning, and let him control his own choice. Could I have started a fight? Absolutely! But the agreement was that he could make that choice and either reap the benefits or deal with the consequences.... so I guess there is a piece of control I just have to let go of.....
The other thought that came to me what the very clear presense this morning of his attachment disorder.... the kid does not attach to things, and the fact that he could be so excited about something last night and be so disconnected from it this morning really speaks to that. I know this is a very natural feeling for him, and that also speaks to the fact that this did not cause any escalation with him.... he truely did not care.... if he did we would have had a conflict.
So, overall I would say this was a good morning... even though he did not accomplish his goals.... which feels strange then to think it was good.... but at least we had no conflict. Soon he will be in our therapy sessions with us (right now it is just Mom and I (Momma) in the sessions to get us ready to work as a whole family) to start working on the attachment issues and maybe I will start to understand more. For now I will just appreciate a conflict-free morning, and start to accept the fact that motherhood, especially motherhood involving a traumatized child mean I can't control everything (*gasp*).
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I think a huge part of parenting, regardless of whom one is parenting, is letting go of control. That's a big one for me and ours is just a baby. Yours, on the other hand...his behavior seems similar to a toddler's behavior (particularly the tantrums if he doesn't get his way), and I'm glad that you've found a way that works for now. The magnet system sounds wonderful and should work well to instill a certain amount of autonomy in him.
ReplyDeleteThanks L,
ReplyDeleteYes, he is like parenting a toddler at times... that is one thing we are learning about trauma, is children tend to range in their behavior... meaning, he will sometimes act like a 9 year old, and other times very much like a toddler... apparently it is normal for kids like him, but it is certainly tricky to figure out from moment to moment who we are dealing with... ;)
I totally get the control thing. Even if we manage to avoid drama I have a hard time letting go of the control.
ReplyDeleteThe magnets were a wonderful idea! I am glad you had a scream free morning. It's so much easier to start the day on a quieter note.
This is so cool!
ReplyDelete"We also explained that we were no longer going to fight with him about accomplishing these tasks, and if he chose not to do any of them then he knew the consequences (not getting dessert that night and not getting his magnet for the day)....Well, this morning when I asked him if he was going to brush his teeth he said very calmly "no, I don't care if I don't get dessert tonight".... I said, "well don't you want to get your magnet" and he went into the bathroom where Mom was. I thought he was going to do it.... he came back and said, again very calmly "I am not going to do it today... I will try again tomorrow". I responded with "Okay, we will try again tomorrow".
I think it is so cool that -- like you said -- you have created a space for him to have autonomy and choices. And you've created a way to encourage him to brush his teeth, reward him for doing it -- but still have a good morning if he chooses not to brush them. Very cool.
Isn't it weird that he would choose not to brush his teeth? That is so weird. I mean, it's a SUPER easy way to get a great dessert! And yet, it's hard for him, obviously, so much so, that he wants to "try again" tomorrow. Very bizarre, and yet, so cool that you've allowed him to work through this himself. Maybe he needs that control over his own body. (BTW, I have absolutely no idea why I don't like to take showers. No idea. But I think I might do it for a great dessert. Maybe I should try this strategy. :) )
Oh, another BTW, I read online somewhere that Gweneth (spell?) Paltrow left her parents a note on her pillow saying something like, "I've gone to the clubs, don't worry. I'll be back tomorrow and take my punishment." Maybe everybody needs that space to choose to do something negative, knowing that they must take the consequence. I mean, that's probably what I'm doing when I intentionally speed on the highway. :)
Hey there! My wife and I are parents of an adopted older child - our daughter is 7, and was 5 when we adopted her. Similar issues in the early days with anger, and aggression, which have resolved themselves (although not without lots of damage to belongings, and much emotional trauma on all sides), and a need for control which isn't as great as it was but will, I suspect, be a lifelong trait for her. I read your story and hear such echoes of our experience.
ReplyDeleteWe're two years in now, and so tight as a family these days. I hope you get out the other side of the maelstrom with similar results. We're planning to adopt again, as we feel she'd benefit from having a sibling, although we're not keen to go through all that again. In any case - cheers, and I hope all is going well with you. Well, as well as can be. Man, those first 6-8 months are ROUGH. Hang in there.