So clearly I am not the best at consistency when it comes to blogging, but in my defense I am new to this...

When I was thinking about what I wanted to write about today so many things came to mind, and they were all very disjointed. I could walk you through our last week and a half, which, for the most part (barring one needed visit from the SBPD) has been quite good, but I think I want to focus on a conference Mom and I went to last weekend.... so here goes....

Here in VT they have an association called The Vermont Foster and Adoptive Families Association (VFAFA) and every year they hold a conference right in Burlington. Our agency pays for us to go, so we decided to take full advantage and registered for the whole 2 days. The first day (Friday) was an all day institute by a guy named Ross Greene.... he has written many books such as The Explosive Child, etc. He really focuses on identifying the actual problem, not behavior and addressing it in a collaborative way with your child. Mom and I were both pretty glad to see that generally we were on the right track, but were still able to learn more about what might work better for Little Man. We also got to see many other families from our agency, which is just always a nice thing since we all seem to "get each other" so well.

The second day is really where I found the most interesting things, however. First and foremost, it is important to know our visit from the SBPD happened on Friday night, so Saturday morning's session was right off the tail of that, and both Mom and I were feeling pretty sensitive still. The keynote speaker was Michael Trout, who has done a great deal of work with infants, and how getting, or not getting one's needs met as an infant can dramatically effect the rest of your life. Of course we found this all very interesting, since it is no secret that Little Man did not get his needs met as an infant, and we did find nuggets that we thought would be helpful.

Trout also does a lot of work from the perspective of the foster parent. There was a point where he said we were going to talk about meditation. Now, coming from a strict christian family, things like meditation were never talked about, much less encouraged, so when he said this I thought "oh great, what am I going to do with this?". He then proceeded to play an audio tape of a woman talking about her foster child. Almost immediately I found myself very moved... and before I knew it tears were running down my cheeks.... (for those of you who know me, I work very hard to avoid this type of reaction at all cost!). The voice said things like "for just this moment I am going to look past the pain in my child's eyes, and see what was there before the hurt and the pain and the abuse". It talked about how much they make us angry, how much we want to give up, we need to remember that the way they are is not their fault. It is the fault of people who were supposed to care for them, who were supposed to protect them, and love them. The fact that we are picking up the pieces of our children's lives is not a curse on us, but a responsibility, because our children cannot do it for themselves. I found my reaction embarrassing, but I also knew it was coming from a very raw and honest place. Maybe meditation is not such a bad thing, huh?

Later in the day we went to a session that was essentially a round table discussion among LGBT identified parents. It is always great to sit in a room and discuss things that you feel everyone can't understand in the same way. There were many families who had experienced the pain of losing a foster child to a reunification that they believed was not healthy, and some speculation that the courts chose to reunify rather than allow a lesbian or gay family to adopt the child. Heartbreaking. That is one thing we are fortunate not to have to deal with with Little Man, he was TPRed (Termination of Parental Rights) long before we met him.... not always the case.

One family though had a particularly interesting and horrifying story. This lesbian couple, about 2 years ago took in 5 siblings (God Bless Them!).... triplet girls, and a younger boy and an older child. The older child had to be re-placed about 2 weeks in, becuase he/she needed much more help then could be given at the time. But what was most sad about the story was what the kids had been put through before being taken from their family. They had often been locked into crates with the family dogs, for days at a time. The dogs had fed them, watered them, and cleaned them. The children were described as "ferrell" children upon coming to their foster family. They did not know how to interact as humans. The women spoke about how when the doorbell would ring, all 5 children would start running around and barking. This also happened when the clock struck Noon AND Midnight. Despite this the court will not terminate their parents rights, but fortunately have determined that they should remain in the foster system rather than being reunified. Absolutely crazy......

So as I conclude this I remind myself to look past the ugly words that Little Man sometimes uses, or the hateful look in his eyes when he is mad, and remember that he is a work in progress, and that work may be long. Fortunately we have great support systems...